I can’t talk about things I am upset about unless I am ready. If I open my mouth before that “ready point”, I turn into a sarcastic bitch from hell, relying on every defense I know to keep from getting hurt. It goes without saying that it’s this behavior that hurts me the most – not being able to talk about what’s bothering me. And so, I turn to sarcasm – my dubious “savior” – and end up hurting myself even more. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” and all that, I know. I haven’t been feeling especially witty lately. Or wise. Or anything else other than heart-broken.

But…not being able to talk about it, doesn’t mean that I can’t write about it.

This situation being what it is, I have no right to make any demands or to get jealous. While I am not – cannot, really – make demands (Bloody fairness. Why do I have to be so fucking fair?),jealousy is a whole other ball game. He doesn’t have any right to be jealous either. Or possessive. But that’s exactly what he does. We are stuck in this hell of our own making; this idiotic impasse driving me insane and making me utterly miserable. I don’t know what it’s doing to him, but I doubt he is any happier.

It’s beyond foolish of me to expect him to lead a monastic lifestyle. Only I’ve been really very fond of that whole “ignorance is bliss” mentality, and so if I can’t “see” something, or sense it, or feel it, that means it doesn’t exist. You know when children are playing hide-and-seek and the smallest ones cover their eyes, thinking that if they cannot see anyone, then they cannot be seen as well? It’s like that.

Instead, all of my explanations go into my tango. Even before things snowballed between us, everything that I felt, everything that I wanted to say but couldn’t – all of it was in the dance.

I close my eyes when I dance with him. I never thought of it as an especially romantic thing to do. For me it’s only part of giving myself over completely.

Now, every time I close my eyes, I see him kissing her. Some nonentity, a fling, nothing serious. But that picture replays over and over in my mind, and I freeze. All over again.